So…Beyoncé has announced her pregnancy again and let me tell you, I am so excited for her! Not only because I’m a fan, but because I know that before Blue Ivy and the soon to be twins, it was revealed to us in her “Life is But a Dream” documentary that her first pregnancy ended in loss in the form of a miscarriage. Her story is like many other women that we know. Mothers, aunts, sisters, friends, cousins, who went through the heartbreak of a pregnancy loss. Those who maybe suffered silently, but also those who were able to push through the loss to have redemption and reclamation.
This brings me to this very important topic. It’s time that we have a serious talk about what do you and your spouse do when you’ve experienced child loss either privately (no one knew you were pregnant before the loss occurred), or publicly (you made an announcement and then the loss occurred). If you’ve told family and friends, you’re probably worried about when and how to announce the news to those who knew.
My husband and I experienced loss a few years ago and as we begin to reach out to our support system, we found that so many other couples experienced the same thing but suffered silently.
It’s normal to feel a sense of failure, shock, guilt, and anger when you lose a pregnancy.
The hours, days, and weeks after a loss can be difficult no matter if this was your first pregnancy loss, or if you two have been trying for what seems like infinity only to lose such precious life inside of you.
It’s important to cling to each other during this time. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you work together as a couple through this:
Know that it's not your fault. It’s easy to think of the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve scenarios once a loss has occurred. Whether you were 4 weeks or 40 weeks, pregnancy loss can strike anyone. It’s easy to feel disappointed with your body or that you let your husband down. Do not allow this guilt to creep in. Know that there’s nothing you did wrong.
Take a mini-vacation together. One of the best things as a couple you can do is to take time off from work and go on a mini-vacation. Taking a break from your regular routine and atmosphere will help you both to disconnect from the madness and reset. It doesn’t need to be grandeur or expensive, a weekend trip to the cabins or a staycation at a nice hotel are great ways to connect with each other. Turn off your phones and truly enjoy each other’s presence.
Allow yourselves to grieve in your own way. Men and women grieve differently. Do not read what appears to be his detachment as him not caring for you or the loss, and don’t judge yourself for not “getting over it” at the same pace. Though you are grieving as a couple, your individual healing will happen on your own terms. You may experience triggers that happen or sporadic episodes especially around your due date. Know that it’s okay and normal to have waves of grief.
Don't abandon yourselves from friends and family. At first, you may both feel tempted to stay closed off while you’re grieving, however, sharing your story within your support network helps you both heal.
Sharing your story within your support network helps you both heal. Phylica FairReach out to family, friends, even close co-workers who can share their stories of loss with you or just serve as a listening ear. If you’ve told people that you were pregnant, they will inquire about what happened. Remember, you both are in control. Share with your extended network only when you are completely ready.
Try again when you’re both ready. Talk openly about trying to conceive again if that’s what you both want. Talk to your OB/GYN and specialist (if applicable) about any precautions to take the next time around. Some people try right away after experiencing loss. Some wait longer before trying again. There’s no wrong or right time. Decide together what’s best for you as a couple.
Sharing is Caring!